I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
