i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize