I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
