Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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