sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
