Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
