we have pet lesbian snakes
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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