I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
