why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
