Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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