God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So apparently I’m into choking now
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