Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
