your parents love me but you hate me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
