I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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