just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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