She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You are the jesus of drinking
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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