I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
