She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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