I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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