I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
