That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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