dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize