4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize