Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
