Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
cat food counts as protein by the way
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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