can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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