matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
