How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I need to stop coming to work sober
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
