i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
