gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love having hate sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
