it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
