Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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