Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
