3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
