Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
