a queef is a wish your heart makes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
