remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
