My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My liver just had a heart attack.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
