his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
