yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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