I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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