dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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