fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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