Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
