went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
