i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Fuck appropriateness.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
