I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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