Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize