I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
