I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
