I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
