Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
