I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
