why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
