i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
