I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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