oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize