Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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