the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
