Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
