i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize