i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just blew my weed a kiss
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
